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[08 Nov 2009|08:35pm] |
I'm so incredibly tired of school. I don't want to do a masters. I just want to start life, move out, and work. Possibly have some fun in there sometimes.
*sigh*
Maybe soon.
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[12 Oct 2009|11:09pm] |
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music |
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Heir Apparent - Opeth |
] |
So, I'm in a slightly better mood today. I am, however, a lot more tired.
Today was a slightly productive day. Went to Garbonzo's around 11am to complete our group's debate on purity rings and purity balls. At least that's done. It doesn't feel all that solid of an argument, but hopefully our group will still do well.
Currently I'm studying for brain and behavior. I just recently found out (after consulting with the good ol' syllabus) that the exam tomorrow at 8:30am is actually short and long answer instead of multiple choice. That makes my life that much harder. Hopefully her questions will be right out of the book. I've heard from a few of her past students that this was the case. I'm gonna cross my fingers.
School feels like it's kicking my ass right now. October is my month of hell. For some reason this term, everything is piled within the month of October while September, November, and even December is sparse. FML. After the 20th, things start to cool down. Then I'll just need to read for a while. Which is fantastic. I don't mind that aspect of school at all.
I've decided that I want to go as Heather for SH3 for Halloween. This is proving to be harder than it looks. If I manage to find both the vest and the skirt, I'm going to cut my hair to match hers. I might cut my hair anyway just because I'm becoming increasingly tired of this asymmetrical "do". We'll see if I have the money. I don't have much of that lately. Not working everyday is very much worth it though. I wouldn't be able to complete all my schoolwork on time.
I can't wait until Christmas. Actually, I can't wait until there is a lull in school, which is around Christmas time. I can't wait until I can sit on my ass and do absolutely nothing all day without the worry that I'm going to screw up my school career.
Ah', well. Soon enough, I guess.
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| Today Hurts |
[13 Nov 2008|09:24pm] |
So I'm approaching 48 hours of having a migraine. It's a new "best" for me. If it's not gone by tomorrow at 1pm, I'm thinking that I should probably phone my doctor and see if I can get some kind of relief. I'm going to blame my new bc. The last bc that did something close to this was Yaz but at least it made my skin a lot prettier.
Ok. So a friend mentions that they're going through something. When I inquired about it, I was then told that "no offense" but I'm not a good enough friend to be told. I'm very upset. What was the point of bringing it up in the first place then? Of course I'm going to ask about it. I care about them and their well-being. And now I feel very deflated, with a pounding head. Is this them saying "be a better friend"? I don't know how to read this. Maybe this is telling me to butt out of their life. I don't know.
Getting mad at or showing anger to or about friends just doesn't work out for me. Certainly hasn't in the past. It just always seems that I'm running after people, apologizing all the time. Once a conflict with one person is fixed, another pops up with someone else. I'm beginning to think that it's something to do with me. I seem to cultivate these problems. I try to be a good friend, but it seems that I'm just not very good at it. It's upsetting to always have someone mad at you.
I'm dysphoric.
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[09 Oct 2008|09:55pm] |
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music |
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A Day in the Life - The Beatles |
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Ok... So now I'm further into debt. How I originally got to this point is a true mystery to me but I know how the cycle continues. It's pretty horrible considering I don't even what to look at the next statement. It wouldn't be so bad if my glasses weren't on there but getting reimbursed for them is going to take forever thanks to the gawddamn union at work. That's if they decide to reimburse me at all. It would be nice just to get a really nice paying job for a while so I could pay everything off but I don't think I could handle something like that during school. I stress enough as it is. Considering that I probably didn't get the RA position, that puts me back to square one at Extra. Extra is good for part-time but I certainly do not make enough to get myself out of debt this year (maybe not even next). I don't know how I'd get a better job like Kristen, Amanda, or Thomas since my qualifications suck and I don't have good references for Please Mum or Earls (like I'd ever want one from there). It's just very depressing. Maybe I'll wait until tax time again and hope that whatever chunk I get then will carve a way out of this mess.
This all pretty much means I can't buy anything (and I mean anything) from now until next year. No new clothing, no Christmas presents, no textbooks for next term, no bus passes. I just feel so fucked over. Yes, this was my fault. I hate how my parents are now breathing down my back about it. There's not much I can do other than keep putting payments towards it. Telling me that I shouldn't have found myself in this predicament isn't going to make things any better.
Maybe I should grow a money tree in the backyard...
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| In Mourning |
[16 Apr 2008|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 Numb |
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My cat died.
Long story short, her kidneys were 35% of the size they should be. She was born that way. Genetics. Anyway, they were failing and she was slowly poisoning herself. She couldn't walk anymore and couldn't manage to keep anything down really. Every time she took a breath, her tongue stuck out. At the end, she couldn't even lift her head. We had a home visit from the vet and he "put her down". I wasn't able to watch. Felt miserable. She twitched afterwards... When the muscles contract after death. I think the worst part of the entire ordeal was watching her suffer. In her eyes you could see the pain. Pain and fear. She knew she was dying. You could see it in her eyes. Terrified attempts to get up or move. Her eyes kept watering too... Supposedly cats can cry too. She died Apr. 15/08, 5:00pm. We buried her tonight in the backyard. I would have felt better if we could have buried her in the front. She hated the backyard.
It's hard living in the house without her. You look around expecting to see her and then the pain hits home again. I almost feel compelled to keep filling her food and water. It really hurts. I'm an only child. She was like my sibling. Knowing I can't see her anymore hurts a lot. It doesn't seem real yet. I'm hoping it's going to undo itself or something. Just a big mistake. I have 2 exams this Saturday and I just don't care to study at all. The concentration just isn't there.
I can't believe you're gone.
I love you Meiko.
Tessa
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[03 May 2007|10:26pm] |
All is as it should be.
I understand more now.
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[03 Feb 2007|04:05pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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I suppose that I don't really write in here anymore unless I really need it. And, being it winter once again, I start to need to put my thoughts somewhere.
A lot has happened in the last little while. Christmas, a year and a half anniversary, friends and predicaments, the lack of work, so on and so forth. I guess I could write a blurb about all the above mentioned but that's really not what's been on my mind lately. I keep coming back to the fact of how much things have changed in the last 2 years. Things just seemed so much easier when we were all in high school. There was nothing really of severe importance, though of course, we didn't see that then. As I'm steadily approaching the end of my year off school, I'm starting to worry. I have so much to try to catch up and do before next September. I already know that I'll probably have to take some spring and summer session courses. It'll boost my GPA plus I need more electives anyway. There's always that nagging worry that I'm not going to be smart enough to accomplish everything that needs to get done before I become the psychologist that I've wanted to be for so many years now. What happens if I never get there? Am I a disappointment to everyone, my family especially? This next year I'm really going to crack down and try 110% to do well in school. If I still don't do well, I'll at least know that I tried. At that point I'll feel like a failure but at least I did something. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, as the saying goes. Hopefully it won't come down to that.
I really miss choir and singing in a group. I get more rusty everyday now. Eventually I'm going to lose the only God given talent I was given. It's somewhat depressing. I miss all of that. It's like a side of me is slowly going to sleep.
~ Tess
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[28 Nov 2006|11:16pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
Major inner struggles and nowhere to put them.
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[03 Nov 2006|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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 sick but getting better |
] |
Well, it's a Friday night and I'm at home for once. It's sort of nice actually. I'm rarely home anymore. I pretty much live at work now. It's nice that I'm getting 40 - close to 40 hours at work but I can see that you need to really like what you're doing to be able to do that day in, day out. I know now that I won't stay at Please Mum for as long as I thought I would. They sort of treat you like a little kid. And I know that sounds a bit funny since, yes, I know, it is a kid's store. Just because you work in that kind of atmosphere, doesn't mean that every aspect of business should be conducted like that. I'm told the same things almost everyday, even if I didn't screw up the day before (or the day before that). Don't get me wrong though. I still do like the job it's just that I get discouraged when I feel like I still need to be told the same things everyday. Anyway, enough about that.
I'm just getting over a cold and I might even be well enough to go out and do things tomorrow. I'm rather excited as this is my first day off this week. It feels like the entire world is open to me... Of course it's just a feeling, and technically, the rest of the world is free on Saturday too. I'm just somewhat happy that I can do what I want, when I want to tomorrow. Maybe I don't like my job... Damn. I'm going to tough it out me thinks. I don't feel like doing the interview thing for a while again, though I do know that I'm quite capable which feels good.
I went to Pharaoh's Halloween thing last week and then Scream. Both were interesting for different reasons. I usually love Pharaoh's. I've pretty much deduced it's my bar. This past time was not so great though. I sort of asked for it. It was a costumed thing (obviously being Halloween) and I went as a french maid. I've never done the sexy thing before and I wanted to try it out. Well, that and it was the last costume that Walmart had left that fit me. I know that I will never do that again without Thomas at least being there. By the end of the night, I pretty much had to be babysat by a number of people so no one would try anything stupid. The creepiest thing probably was these 3 guys that kept staring at me. Robyn said they did that for quite some time. I just didn't really notice. I never do. I guess I almost like not to. But when she pointed it out, it was the first time that I've actually felt creeped out and scared for my safety. Plus, other certain guys kept following me around the bar. Some guy grabbed me and tried to kiss me. The night wasn't as great as I had hoped.
Scream was super fun! I dressed up in this flowy ghost costume that Stef lent to me. People kept asking me what I was and I decided after the fact that I went as The Ghost of Christmas Past. It was totally appropriate especially since I had blue and white glowsticks for the night. Music was great, the people were great, the venue was great... Except my cell phone and house key got stolen. My cell was later found but I wasn't so lucky with the key. So we got our locks changed. Pretty much had to. Overall, it was good though.
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. Night.
~Tess
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[21 Oct 2006|01:12am] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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Why is it that some people are so consumed with their own well being, while others will go to great lengths to help a fellow person out? Is it merely because certain people have different personalities and dispositions? Or is it because we've been taught to distance ourselves from strangers? Maybe North American culture has taught us that we need to look out for ourselves and only those we know. You know... Don't stick your neck out too far because when the shit hits the fan, you'll lose your head, type of thing.
I also suppose that everyone has their own personal concern for those around them. If it benefits them at the time, they care. If the moment seems right, they care. But that's looking at it in a bleak manner. Not everyone is concerned only for themselves, but nowadays, it sure feels like it. And I know that I'm no angel to this phenomenon. I know that I could donate more to places that need money. I know that I could go help the man sitting across the street and see why he's been there for the last 3 hours. I could also smile at the clerk that seems too busy to be bothered by something so trivial. There are a lot of "I could's" in those past few sentences. Where are all the "I do's" and "I will do's"?
I strongly believe that if you want to truly change something, you need to first change yourself. I can't see it happening any other way. Why would someone buy into a way of life that you, yourself aren’t even following? I know that I will try to be more caring towards others, but it's hard sometimes. You can't help those who don't want help. You certainly can't care for those who don't want your sympathy. So where do you start?
First off, I suppose you need to be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Society doesn't always deem this kind of thing proper. And believe me... Going against the grain is one of the hardest things you can do. We all strive to be different from each other, when in fact, all we want to be is accepted. Who wants to be noticed in a negative way, right?
Secondly, you need to open you eyes to see what there is to see. How often have we all walked by a situation where we could have done something, but was too busy to stop and really see what was going on? Far too often me thinks.
Last off, we all need to be ready to do something when the time actually comes. To recognize what we must do and go through with it. Sounds fairly simple, I know. But there's a big difference between doing what's easy and doing what’s right.
But I digress. I've babbled on for far too long. Good night.
~ Tess
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| ... |
[02 Oct 2006|10:32pm] |
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mood |
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thoroughly disturbed |
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"The Pennsylvania Amish Community is in shock following a school shooting, that left three young girls dead. One of the school girls died in the arms of an officer. Police described the crime scene as gruesome.
Police say 32-year-old Charles Carl Roberts entered the Amish school, armed with a shotgun and an automatic pistol. According to authorities, he then separated the boys from the girls... Letting the boys leave, along with several adult women. Then police say, he barricaded the doors with two-by-fours and used plastic ties to bind the girls, some as young as six-years- old, and lined them up against the black board.
Police were on the scene within minutes. At the same time, the alleged gunman was also calling 911--- telling the police to back off. Before word got back to the officers, gunfire erupted from inside the school.
Once police got inside, the shooting was over. In all, 10 girls were shot in the head. Seven were airlifted to hospitals. Police say the alleged gunman was a local truck driver, and he dropped his own kids off at the bus stop before heading to the one room Amish school."
-- Fox Network
I had to put this up on here. This really bothered me. I can't stop crying. It just doesn't seem fair.
He shot little girls...
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[18 Jul 2006|12:28am] |
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mood |
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 tired, but good |
] |
Well, I had to quit Silver. I got double booked at both SilverCity and Earls. I told Silver that I wouldn't be able to make my Friday shift on a Wednesday but most of the managers still only found out the day of. So, I got suspended there for a week but since I handed in my 2 weeks notice, they let me work my last 2 shifts. My last shift was in box this past Thursday and I totally made the best of it. I gave 150% and most everyone walked away genuinely happy. I also bought a DQ ice cream cake to share with everyone during break. It was a good day. It sort of feels weird now. I went to Pirates on Sunday and it was the first time Thomas and I actually had to pay for a movie. Earls is going better then it first was. I'm slowly getting the hang of things. I got a $25 tip last Saturday from one table. It also doesn't feel like I'm being a moron there anymore. I know what to do, and I can do it. I still feel a little stressed when I get a lot of tables but I know I can do this. I will do this.
I finally got to see Thomas for the first time on Sunday since I worked so much the previous week. He was a little grumpy at that but I think he understands that it's not because I'm choosing not to see him. It's just because I'm incredibly busy. I worked a 9 hour shift at Earls on Saturday. I was on my feet the entire time. My feet are still in shock since we have to wear heels. I really need to invest in some comfy shoes. I'll go hunting to see if they actually exist.
Dad leaves for Kenya on Wednesday and it still hasn't really sunk in yet. He's going to be there for an entire year. This is a big thing. He can come back every 3 months to visit us for a week. Either that, or we can come visit him once. That would be really neat. I'm really going to miss him. It's going to be really weird until mom and I adjust to his absence. Friend's and family have agreed to help us out. Mom and I are going to stick together and we'll be able to do this. There's so many things that dad does that everyone, including myself, take for granted. Now that he's leaving, I finally realize it. I'm trying to take over some of those things, but I'm definitely not as computer savvy as he is. I'll try my best though.
I think that I'm going to go to bed soon. No work tomorrow. I'm excited about my day off. I've decided that I'm going to take advantage of that and sleep in as long as I possibly can. Good night.
~ Tess
p.s. I forgot to mention that I have a baby cousin now. Her name is Paige and she's about 6 weeks old. I'll write more about her later accompanied hopefully by pictures.
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[06 Jul 2006|03:26pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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Listen To Your Heart - DHT |
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It's been a long while since I added an entry to this thing. I suppose that enough time has gone past that I actually have a few things of importance to talk about. So here it is.
I got a new job. I'm now a server at the new St.Vital Earls. I've had about a week of training so far and haven't actually served anyone anything but tonight is a dry run-through with all the staff. It'll be interesting. I think it's going to be harder tonight then it normally would be since all the staff know the same thing you're supposed to and if you forget something, they know. But it should be good fun. I love the dress code. No more uniforms for me. I still work at SilverCity but scheduling between both jobs sorta hurts. They don't combine well. Good chance I'll have to quit Silver soon. I'm sad. I really like it there. I've been there for 2 years and I know the job really well. Love the people there too.
Thomas and I have now been dating for over a year now. My longest relationship so far so I'm excited. I hope I'm not getting on his nerves or anything. We've never really fought yet but I notice that we snap at each other a little more. I guess it's stupid to think that we'll never fight. It's natural to argue. Other then that things have been good.
I actually have to go now since I work at 4:30 and I have about a million things to do before I go including getting ready. Bah. I'll write more in the near future.
~ Tess
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| Weee! |
[10 Apr 2006|03:50pm] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
I'm pretty much done now. I cracked down, studied my butt off and got everything done that I needed to. I also found some really nice mascara that I'm really happy with. I might even wear makeup more often. I'm currently sitting back and relaxing. I don't even have to work until Wednesday, which I'm looking forward to for some strange reason. I guess I like to keep busy. Makes sense I guess. I kind of want to go roller blading today even though the roads are full of little rocks. My k2's are somewhat dead anyway so perhaps I should chance it. Hm... We'll see. Lunch first for sure. Life has definitely slowed down a lot. A very nice change for sure.
~ Tess
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[01 Apr 2006|04:11pm] |
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mood |
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 in pain |
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I'm pretty much stressed right now. Things seem worse then they probably are. I guess it doesn't help that I've been working so much lately. Spring Break no longer means break for me. It means exams and assignments. But what can you do? There were a few fairly retarded people at work yesterday. I'm not employed to get yelled at. That's not my job. Just because I work at a place like SilverCity doesn't mean I'm worth less so you can treat me differently then you normally would. I had a lady once that basically screamed at me while I was working and then was super nice to me when I was no longer in uniform. That makes no sense to me. If you're a horrible person, you should at least be consistent. Be bitchy to everyone then. We have a few newbies at work. I feel especially sorry for them just because they haven't learned the tricks of dealing with people yet. That'll come with time but usually not soon enough.
Marsie is still in the hospital though she was given a day pass today for a few hours so she could at least go home for a bit. It's still a little hard for me to comprehend. It just doesn't feel real to me. She should be better by now, not worse. They still don't know what's going on but hopefully she gets well enough to permanently go home soon.
School makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide for a week. Then I'll have a few months to regroup. Here's hoping. I'm also starting a new cream for my face though I've already been warned that I'm going to turn bright red for a while with excessive pealiness. I'm already looking forward to it. It's like I don't feel ugly enough as I am.
Anyway, I have work in 45 minutes so I'm going to try to rid myself of my headache before I start going insane.
~ Tess
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[26 Mar 2006|03:35pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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I haven't written in a while. I suppose that not much has changed since then.
It has been almost a month since Marsie's surgery and she'll just be getting out of the hospital in a few days. She's been in and out for a while. None of us understand how it could have gone so terribly wrong. It just doesn't feel fair, though, as I now know, life is anything but that.
My Oma is recovering nicely and is out of the hospital in Honolulu. I hope that she can at least have a little fun in Hawaii before she needs to come back home.
I'm officially a treasurer and I understand most of the things I need to do now. There's still a lot that I'm shaky on but the more I work, the more I'll remember. I'm still thinking I may need a new job. I need more hours and money over the summer.
Thomas and I are still going strong. We've been dating for 9 months, tomorrow. He spoils me. I want to think of a way to get him back, lol. Howl's Moving Castle was great. Thanks hun.
School is done in 2 weeks. I have an assignment to still do and a few exams. I'm really worried and stressed but I know that I'll be relieved when everything is over with. I really can't wait for summer. I miss the sunshine.
~ Tess
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[03 Mar 2006|06:19pm] |
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mood |
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tired, but good |
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Currently, I'm quite happy since I think that I've finally started feeling better. I caught the flu sometime over the weekend so I felt pretty gross for a while. It certainly seems like everyone's getting sick lately. So glad that I'm getting over mine.
Going to Pharaoh's tonight with Robyn for her birthday. It'll be nice. Good music, good people. I'm excited. Plus, I think I'm getting a little squirrelly at home.
I have to study this weekend since I have a psych exam on Tuesday. That's going to be interesting since I've been sick this week. I'll just study harder I guess.
I can't wait until school is over. It's going to make things a lot easier for me. I still want to take a year off but I don't think my parents would ever let me. Bah.
~ Tess
-- You're in my heart and prayers. You've been so strong and gone through so much. Get better soon Marsie --
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| !! |
[22 Feb 2006|06:56pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
] |
Oh wow!
My boss just phoned me and I got promoted to treasurer! I'm incredibly excited! I get to work with the new system and count money in the office. More money, more hours... This totally made my day!
~ Tess
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| So... |
[19 Feb 2006|11:05am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
Some time has passed. My birthday has come and gone and reading week comes to it's end. There's a fair bit to write about but again, I'm going to pick only a few things and pretend that I kept up to date. Both Thomas and I had our birthday's this last week, his being on the 10th and mine on the 14th. I got a lot of cool things such as a giant box of chocolates, a digital camera (I can take pictures now :D), and the official PostSecret book. I went to Pharaoh's on Friday with quite a few people and it was awesome. I still wanna kick Schmitt's butt though. I can't believe he'd say such a thing. Other then that, I have a stats exam to look forward to. I'm so nervous. Sociology scares me too. Remind me never to take a course off of sociology again. Definitely not my cup of tea.
Also, SilverCity changed all the computers so everything is amazingly new. I had my first shift with the new stuff yesterday. We also have to count our own tills. It's not very hard, just time consuming. At least it's more interesting. Yup. Anyway, I guess I'm going to go eat breakfast now.
~ Tess
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[07 Feb 2006|04:40pm] |
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mood |
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 hehe |
] |
All I really want to say is that I miss you already. You just left, not even 20 minutes ago but I can't wait until I can see you next. I love you so much!
~ Tess
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